Know My Anxious Thoughts

 

“…test me and know my anxious thoughts.”

—Psalm 139:23b

The Dictionary defines the word “anxiety” as “a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.”

Most of us have some level of anxiety in our lives. Sometimes our anxiety is about something quite trivial. At other times, possible life-threatening—or at least life-changing—events fuel our anxious thoughts. Let me offer an example of each kind of anxiety: the trivial and the life-altering.

First, the trivial anxiety—or at least it started out that way:

When I was in ninth grade, a group of boys from my class would gang up on me every day after lunch. They would hit me, kick me, trip me, and otherwise make my life miserable. I tried to avoid them. But, the layout of the school made that impossible. I never did figure out why they hated me so much. But their daily confrontations certainly prompted feelings of anxiety in me.

Since I was several inches taller and thirty pounds heavier than any of my tormentors, you might wonder why I didn’t put an end to their bullying. For quite some time, I had taken self-defense classes at the YMCA. But, as strange as it might seem, I took Jesus’ words in Luke 6:29 quite seriously:

If someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also. If someone takes your coat, do not withhold your shirt from them.

I dreaded the beginning of tenth grade. I moved from junior high to high school. I wondered if the attacks would continue at a new building. Sure enough, on my way out of the school building on the first day of class, there stood my tormentors waiting to inflict their punishment. Day after day, week after week, I would dread the end of the school day.

Then, one day, something changed. I cannot exactly explain what happened that day. But, I decided I had had enough. As they attacked, I responded. Soon, five of the seven lay on the ground. The other two ran away as fast as they could run.

Truthfully, their hatred for me never abated. But, they never tried to physically attack me again. Nor did anyone else. I was glad, but I was also sad. I hadn’t resolved their hatred. I had just made them too afraid to attack me. I look back on high school with very few pleasant feelings.

This incident, along with many other incidents of non-physical bullying, has made it very difficult for me to trust other people. To this very day, it takes a great deal of effort to accept that any other human truly cares about me.

Secondly, the life-altering anxiety:

After 51 years of relatively good health, in June of 1998, my health began a decline that, inch by inch, has continued to this day. Over the last 18 years, I have had many anxious moments regarding my health. Fortunately, the severity of that anxiety has not debilitated me. I continue to try to adapt to the changing list of activities I can no longer do. And, by God’s love and grace, I have managed to continue to remain as active and as helpful as possible.

I share these possibly off-putting details about myself to reinforce the point I wish to make. No matter what anxiety may color our existence, the God who loves us, and who has redeemed us, knows our anxious thoughts. He understands our anxiety. He wants us to give Him our anxious thoughts and trust in His unfailing, undying love.

The Psalmist has written these words of prayer and longing in Psalm 139:23-24:

Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

When the road ahead seems impassable, God will guide us through the trials that may produce road-blocking anxiety. We must learn to relax into His enfolding arms of love.

Please join me in beginning this day with a few quiet moments. Let us consciously and purposefully lay our anxiety at the feet of Jesus. Then, let us rise and go out into this new day with the sure knowledge that God will lead us in the way everlasting.

 

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