What to Do When the Pain Remains

 

⁷⁶ May your unfailing love be my comfort,
        according to your promise to your servant.
⁷⁷ Let your compassion come to me that I may live,
        for your law is my delight.

—The words from Psalm 119:76-77

 

The trials of life assail virtually everyone. I use the word “virtually” because only the most simple person can breeze through life without feeling emotional pain, sorrow, or disappointment at some time or another. In fact, for many individuals, incidents of emotional pain frame their lives. It’s as if the emotional pain divides their lives into well-defined segments. They go from emotionally painful incident to emotionally painful incident.

Others experience emotional pain at very sharply noted points in their lives. They strive to not allow the emotional pain to define them. But sometimes the emotional pain has such significance that it sharply pokes at them from time to time in a way that reestablishes the dominance some event seems to have over their lives.

For example, I can look back over my own 65 years of life and pick out certain key events that produced enormous emotional pain. For the most part, by God’s grace, I have overcome the trauma those events produced in me. But I still feel a sharp intrusion of those events on occasion that recreate in me all of the emotional pain that I experienced at the time of each incident.

I believe some events that produce emotional pain will always have a place of significance, such as the death of a loved one. The loss of the loved one’s presence in our lives looms so large that we can never truly “get over” the loss of them. I believe we should not expect to ever stop grieving for those we’ve lost. We may experience a lessening of the grief, but not it’s total cessation.

Over the years I’ve heard many sermons preached by many well-meaning pastors describing how one should handle emotional pain. For the most part I’ve found those sermons quite unhelpful. The basis for their strategy boils down to a “sweep it under the rug” philosophy that, frankly, does not allow the necessary time and space for the kind of deep healing that must come if one will ever rise above the hurt of the emotional pain.

So please let me make a few suggestions that have helped me and, I hope will help you:

1. Make certain that you have a clear and detailed understanding of exactly what happened in the incident that has produced your emotional pain. Many times we may play certain aspects of an event over and over in our minds. But sometimes we don’t carefully analyze the things that led up to the event and the things that proceeded from the event. Creating a detailed timeline for the event that spans enough time before the event and enough time after the event can place the event in a context that makes certain we really understand what happened.
   
   
2. Make certain that you have come to the place where you can unequivocally extend forgiveness to the person or persons who caused your emotional pain. Becoming ready, willing, and able to forgive fulfills your specific role before God. Forgiveness does not become activated until the person or persons who sinned against you come to you and ask for forgiveness. However, you must prepare for that possible eventuality. Even if you can’t imagine that it will ever happen, in order to purge your own self from sin, you must become ready, willing, and able to forgive.
   
   
3. Talk only to God about your emotional pain and stop talking about your pain to others—even your closest friends. God truly understands your emotional pain because He knows every detail about the incident. He even knows details that you don’t know. He knows people’s true motives. He knows what prompted them to act as they did. He knows what besetting sins have bound them to the enemy and produced the evil action they have taken against you.
   
   If you find that you absolutely must talk with someone about what you’re feeling, talk to a trained Christian counselor. Because I do not personally believe that most pastors make good counselors, I would not advise you to talk with your pastor. You see a really good counselor is someone who knows you only within the boundaries of the counseling setting. Your pastor knows you in a broader setting that does not really make for a good counseling relationship. So, if you need to talk to someone other than God—or in addition to God—seek help from a trained, Christian, professional counselor.
   
   If you want a good reason why to stop talking to your friends about your emotional pain, read the Book of Job. Friends represent a wonderful gift from God in our lives. Once you share a need for prayer and support with your friends, this gives them the opportunity to bear your burden as required by Galatians 6:2:

   ² Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.

   Talking with your friends frequently about your pain does neither you nor them any good. In fact, you may actually draw them into sin by constantly “dumping” on them, no matter how willing they may seem to be dumped upon. What do I mean by this? When a dear friend suffers emotional pain because of what some other person has done to him or her, I often find myself feeling angry, hateful thoughts toward the perpetrator. Why? Because I have a strong sense of justice and because I love my friend. When someone hurts my friend, they earn my anger and hatred. But, that anger and hatred can lead me to sin. So, when I must deal with emotional pain in my friends, I must guard myself very carefully so as to not sin.
   
   On the other hand, I do have a responsibility to treat those who harm my friends in a way that does not excuse the perpetrator’s sin. Throughout the Bible, the phrase “have nothing to do with” appears a number of times: Exodus 23:7, Psalm 101:4, Ephesians 5:11, 2 Timothy 3:5, and Titus 3:10. These passages give us direction on how to behave towards those who fail to repent of the sin they have perpetrated against ourselves and others. This behavior on our part comes as a result of their failure to repent. It does not excuse us from our need to remain willing, ready, and able to forgive them should they seek forgiveness.
   
   
4. Above all else, rely on God’s love for comfort. Seek to know Him. Seek to see His hand on your everyday life. Seek to open yourself to His unfailing, undying love. As the Prophet Isaiah has so eloquently stated in Isaiah 55:6-7:

   ⁶ Seek the Lord while he may be found;
           call on him while he is near.
   ⁷ Let the wicked forsake his way
           and the evil man his thoughts.
      Let him turn to the Lord, and he will have mercy on him,
           and to our God, for he will freely pardon.

As you reflect on the Scripture at the beginning of this blog post, I trust that in your continuing emotional pain you will draw strength from knowing that God loves you with His everlasting love. He will guard you and protect you. He will give you victory over the adverse effects of your emotional pain. He will bring health and restoration to you. He will repay you for every evil deed done against you. He is the God of Justice. He is the God of Victory. He is the God of Everlasting Love.

Will you pray with me?

Thank You, God, for loving us. Thank You for sending Jesus to be our Savior. Thank You for sending us Your Holy Spirit to dwell within us.

Thank You, Father, that You are the God who understands our emotional pain. You walk alongside us through the Presence of Your Holy Spirit. You apply the Balm of Gilead to our wounded souls.

As we process the emotional pain we feel, help us to become willing, ready, and able to forgive those who have sinned against us and caused such pain. Help us to “have nothing to do with them” until they repent of their sin. But, also, keep us from sinning while we deal with the pain we feel.

Thank You for continuing to bless our lives with Your Presence, with Your peace, and with Your purpose. And, thank You for hearing our prayer in and through the precious Name of Your Son, our Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ. Amen.

_{Copyright © 2012 by Dean K. Wilson. All Rights Reserved.}

_{More info at www.DeanKWilson.com}