“It’s called conversation!”

 

²⁶ Then God said, “Let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, and over all the creatures that move along the ground.”

²⁷ So God created man in his own image,
        in the image of God he created him;
        male and female he created them.

²⁸ God blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air and over every living creature that moves on the ground.”

²⁹ Then God said, “I give you every seed-bearing plant on the face of the whole earth and every tree that has fruit with seed in it. They will be yours for food. ³⁰ And to all the beasts of the earth and all the birds of the air and all the creatures that move on the ground—everything that has the breath of life in it—I give every green plant for food.” And it was so.

³¹ God saw all that he had made, and it was very good. And there was evening, and there was morning—the sixth day.

—The words of Moses from Genesis 1:26-31

 

“I just don’t understand where he’s coming from!”

“When I try to have a conversation with her, it often ends in a fight.”

People make statements like these countless times each day. It’s an expression of frustration. But it also harbors genuine truth: we really don’t understand most of the people we try to communicate with each day. Understanding what makes another person “tick” presents a real challenge.

On pages 142-143 of her book, You Just Don’t Understand ¹, Deborah Tannen writes the following:

In an earlier book ², I emphasized that women may get the impression men aren’t listening to them even when the men really are.

This happens because men have different habitual ways of showing they’re listening. As anthropologists Maltz and Borker explain, women are more inclined to ask questions. They also give more listening response—little words like “mhm,” “uh-uh,” and “yeah”—sprinkled throughout someone else’s talk, providing a running feedback loop. And they respond more positively and enthusiastically, for example by agreeing and laughing.

All this behavior is doing the work of listening. It also creates rapport-talk by emphasizing connection and encouraging more talk. The corresponding strategies of men—giving fewer listener responses, making statements rather than asking questions, and challenging rather than agreeing—can be understood as moves in a contest by incipient speakers rather than audience members.

Not only do women give more listening signals, according to Maltz and Borker, but the signals they give have different meanings for men and women, consistent with the speaker/audience alignment. Women use “yeah” to mean “I’m with you, I follow,” whereas men tend to say “yeah” only when they agree. The opportunity for misunderstanding is clear. When a man is confronted with a woman who has been saying “yeah,” “yeah,” “yeall,” and then turns out not to agree, he may conclude that she has been insincere, or that she was agreeing without really listening. When a woman is confronted with a man who does not say “yeah,”—or much of anything else—she may conclude that he hasn't been listening.

The men’s style is more literally focused on the message level of talk, while the women’s is focused on the relationship or metamessage level.

To a man who expects a listener to be quietly attentive, a woman giving a stream of feedback and support will seem to be talking too much for a listener. To a woman who expects a listener to be active and enthusiastic in showing interest, attention, and support, a man who listens silently will seem not to be listening at all, but rather to have checked out of the conversation, taken his listening marbles, and gone mentally home.

Because of these patterns, women may get the impression that men aren't listening when they really are. But I have come to understand, more recently, that it is also true that men listen to women less frequently than women listen to men, because the act of listening has different meanings for them. Some men really don’t want to listen at length because they feel it frames them as subordinate. Many women do want to listen, but they expect it to be reciprocal—I listen to you now; you listen to me later. They become frustrated when they do the listening now and now and now, and later never comes.

I don’t know about you, but reading this passage from Deborah Tannen’s book reminds me of how sensitive I need to be when I try to communicate effectively with others. Will you join me in making a more deliberate attempt to understand the special people God has placed into our lives?

Please pray with me?

Thank You, God, for loving us. Thank You for sending Jesus to be our Savior. Thank You for sending us Your Holy Spirit to dwell within us.

We know You have made us unique individuals, both male and female. In addition to the special characteristics that mark our gender, You have also given us very definite traits that determine who we are. As we look at people around us, we realize how amazingly creative You have been in forming each of us in Your likeness: certainly unique, but with special expressions that are ours alone.

Please teach us to be very sensitive to each one with whom we communicate. Help us to become more and more willing to set aside our own selfish desires and seek the best for those around us. Let us become glorious expressions of Your love and grace. Help us to touch each person who comes into our lives in the most positive way possible.

Thank You for loving and caring for us with Your inexhaustible supply of mercy. And, thank You for hearing our prayer in and through the precious Name of Your Son, our Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ. Amen.

¹ If you enjoyed reading this quotation, I would urge you to click on this link to purchase the book from Amazon.com.

² Talking from 9 to 5: Women and Men at Work

 

_{Copyright © 2012 by Dean K. Wilson. All Rights Reserved.}

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