16 Live as free men, but do not use your freedom as a cover-up for evil; live as servants of God. 17 Show proper respect to everyone: Love the brotherhood of believers, fear God, honor the king.
—The words of the Apostle Peter from 1 Peter 2:16-17
Recently, a friend from Texas narrated this event that occurred at her place of business:
“I’m all about ‘respect!’”
I stared rather blankly at the individual who had just made this statement. You’re all about ‘respect?’ I pondered silently. What in the world does that mean?
This statement came after a rather long period of time where I had tried to counsel this person who had garnered a good deal of ill will. Always approaching every situation with a smile, this person displayed an unusually sharp sentiment of arrogance. A number of my colleagues had complained to me about this person’s behavior. As the supervisor of the department, it fell to me to try to get enough information to make some recommendations for improvement. Otherwise, I would have to terminate this person’s employment.
So here we sat. The person seemed dug in to a nearly untenable position. Arrogance oozed out of this person’s pores. Everything the person said was punctuated by an insipid smile that I found particularly irritating. The person advanced a genuine air of superiority. I could now see why so many colleagues had complained.
Respect. An interesting word, to be sure. But what does the word “respect” really mean? And, perhaps more importantly, what does it mean to “respect” another person?
Social psychologists have much to say on this topic. One particular strategy that has gained in popularity of late is called “Emotional Intelligence.” A chief proponent of Emotional Intelligence (EI)—sometimes also referred to as “EQ”—Daniel Goleman, by his own admission, has rooted much of his paradigm in thinking forged and shaped during a pre-doctoral traveling fellowship in India among the Eastern mystics and meditationists. EI emphasizes building a strong sense of “self,” getting in touch with your own emotions, developing a heightened awareness of the emotions of others, and applying techniques that will drastically reduce arguments and conflicts with others by affirming their “right” to feel as they feel. To some extent, EI seems to offer value to those who have difficulty getting along with others and who choose to employ the principles of EI in their interactions with others.
However, the most significant problem with EI, from a Biblical perspective, is that it is founded on the principle that “truth” is relative. “Truth” becomes whatever an individual feels is true for him or her. To ardent supporters of EI, any acknowledgement of absolute truth—the kind of truth upon which the whole of Christianity is fashioned—sets up a barrier to congenial interaction between two feeling people. Thus, EI adherents strive to short circuit any attempt by others to base behavior on an absolute standard of truth, as defined in God’s Word.
A person deeply involved with EI—one who has built his or her life on the principles of EI—will find people quite offensive who base their actions on the guidance of the Holy Spirit through Scripture. They will “feel” disrespected. They will come to believe that their feelings are not “validated” by the imposition of Scriptural truth. They will often accuse Bibically faithful individuals as being hostile, conflict-generators, harmony-disrupters, and other similar negative terms.
Another problem that arises with some EI practitioners is that people with a fundamentally damaged sense of “self” can take up the principles of EI and use them in a very manipulative way. For example, someone who has low self-esteem because of, say, a physical trait—such as diminished physical stature—may find EI useful in disguising their unrest with self.
In this example, a short person who has developed “short-person-syndrome” as a defense mechanism against feelings of inadequacy, may join his or her SPS-generated arrogance with EI. The person’s arrogance will distort the ordinarily benign empathy of EI, changing helpful EI principles into tools for manipulating others. Such a person might place such an emphasis on “respect,” that claims of being disrespected becomes a hammer to force others to conform to the person’s opinions, beliefs, and decision-making preferences.
Sociopaths, especially those with at least a college- or graduate school-level of education, have been known to latch onto EI as another valuable tool in their manipulation toolbox. Using the principles of EI, the sociopath can execute his or her deceptive agenda of excercising control—to manipulate the behaviors of others—in order to achieve his or her secret and selfish personal goals.
Of course not everyone who has studied and applied the principles of EI has done so with an evil intent. EI offers a number of very attractive “answers” to the question: “Why can’t I get along with others?” Some individuals have greatly improved their social interactions by applying EI techniques. The danger arises when knowledge of EI falls into the hands of someone with distorted or ulterior motives—whether or not those motives are “known” to self. (It’s possible for individuals with untreated behavioral disorders, or mental illness, to be quite unaware of the motives driving their behaviors.)
To give you a bit more insight into the way EI-oriented people think, I offer the following quotations from the writings of Steven Paul Hein, who hosts a series of websites on the subject of Emotional Intelligence. In quoting Mr. Hein, I want to make it clear that I am not suggesting he is misusing the principles of EI in the manner I have described above. Rather, I am quoting from Mr. Hein’s websites simply because he appears to ardently value EI, because he has chosen to publicly declare in writing his beliefs concerning EI, and because I believe he fairly represents the thinking of the many passionate devotees of EI whom I have encountered. I do not personally know Mr. Hein and have no reason to suspect that he uses the principles of EI in any other than the most benign manner.
Hein asserts that EI has five key components—although on different pages of his websites he often modifies this list by adding other qualities or rearranging their preferential order:
Respect
Empathy
Listening
Caring
Understanding
Notice how “respect” holds a primary position in Hein’s thinking. This quotation concerning his mother may reveal an underlying reason:
During the same trip I was reading someone else’s online diary entry about their parents when my mother walked in. I was nearly crying because the entry was so sad. I decided I needed to be more emotionally honest with my mother so, I told her in tears that I did not feel respected by her. I had never said this to her before. She hugged me and started to cry. She said “Of course I respect you.” I said something like, “Maybe you think you do and really believe you do, but I don’t feel respected.” We cried together some more but we never talked about why I didn’t feel respected. It would have helped me if she would have asked me why I didn’t feel respected instead of just insisting that she did respect me. Sadly, if we had started to discuss it “rationally” she would probably have interrupted me, invalidated me, denied most of what I was saying and my perception of things and defended herself. That is one of the reasons we have never fully reconciled, though we are more at peace than we were from 1995- 2001.
I include this quote from Steven Paul Hein’s website not to denegrate nor to disrespect the expressed feelings of Mr. Hein. Rather, I include it solely to illustrate for you the contextual mindset that often drives some, if not many, individuals who have become strong adherents of EI.
Notice the significant emphasis on feelings: “I don’t feel respected.” I have often heard this same accusation from many fervent EI disciples. They base their view of the world on feelings. I suspect, though I have no empirical evidence to support my suspicion, that if they were to have the highly respected Gregorc Style Delineator™ administered to them, they would have a significantly high dominant score as “Abstract-Random.”
These enthusiastic disciples of EI put feelings on the highest plane—above competence, achievement, productivity, and effectiveness. Thus, in a group relationship, the EI adherent places the greatest value on mutual respect, empathy, listening, caring, and understanding. All other aspects of the group dynamics take a place of lower value.
In the workplace, the EI proponents do not really care all that much about efficiency, accomplishment, task orientation, discipline, competence, effectiveness, and excellence. They only really care about whether or not they feel respected, et. al. They want a pleasant work environment where everyone always cheerfully gets along with one another. They want to always have their feelings validated, even if the productivity and excellence of the workplace suffers. They quite willingly sacrifice excellence on the altar of having their feelings validated. They even may truly believe that if the work environment offers a caring, feeling-rich cocoon, all of the other goals of the business will fall into their rightful places.
Here are some more quotations from Steven Paul Hein on the subject of “respect” that will help you understand some of the thinking on which an ardent EI person stakes his or her claims:
On a practical level respect includes taking someone’s feelings, needs, thoughts, ideas, wishes and preferences into consideration. It means taking all of these seriously and giving them worth and value. In fact, giving someone respect seems similar to valuing them and their thoughts, feelings, etc. It also includes acknowledging them, listening to them, being truthful with them, and accepting their individuality and idiosyncrasies.
Respect can be shown through behavior and it can also be felt. We can act in ways which are considered respectful, yet we can also feel respect for someone and feel respected by someone. Because it is possible to act in ways that do not reflect how we really feel, the feeling of respect is more important than the behavior without the feeling. When the feeling is there, the behavior will naturally follow.
Okay. That gives us some idea how one very fervent EI adherent defines “respect.” But where does he believe respect comes from? Here’s more from Steven Paul Hein:
Real respect is something that is earned. One earns another’s respect by voluntarily doing the things mentioned above, such as taking that person’s feelings, needs and thoughts into consideration.
Respect seems to be like a boomerang in the sense that you must send it out before it will come back to you. Respect cannot be demanded or forced, though sometimes people mistakenly believe that it can, as I discuss below.
Since a baby has no concept of respect, and feels only its own needs when born, the only successful way to teach a child what respect is, is to earn the respect of the child as they slowly grow into a thinking human being.
The way this is done is first of all by attending to the child’s natural needs, such as to be fed and nurtured. As the child grows, his needs change. He has increasingly sophisticated psychological needs. He begins to express his own views, his own preferences, and he has an increasing need for freedom, autonomy and independence. This is when the adults in his life can treat him with increasing respect and thereby earn his respect in return.
It doesn’t make sense to think of respecting a baby in the same way that we say we respect an adult. Yet on some level the two concepts are similar. This similarity has to do with our voluntarily helping that person with their needs. In either case, we must first accept the needs. For example, if a baby needs to be fed at three in the morning we don’t do it begrudgingly if we respect his natural needs; we simply accept that the infant has a natural need to eat at that particular moment. Likewise, if an adolescent or an adult needs to talk, we accept this need and we show respect by listening voluntarily.
“Okay,” you may say, “My head is spinning with all this psycho-babble. What does the Bible have to say about this pattern of living?”
In the Scripture passage at the beginning of this blog post, the Apostle Peter sets a tone that does not tolerate any “system” that abridges freedom by turning it into a means of covering up evil. Sadly, some EI people use their emphasis on feelings to distort and manipulate others. They hide behind a pattern of victimhood. They declare they are not receiving proper respect. Then they act—sometimes in the most insidious ways—to extract behavior from others that will accomplish their selfish and well-hidden goals.
The Bible teaches that respect plays out a much different way. Respect—and more importantly, love—comes from the following truth:
- Every person is made in the image of God. We are all God’s “creations”—His “creatures”)
- Believers have value and worth because, before the foundation of the earth, God chose us to belong to Him. Believers have moved from “creatures” to “children”—see John 1:12-13)
- God loves us with His everlasting love
- God sent His only Son to die in our place on Calvary’s cruel cross
- God covered our sins with the blood of His Son
- God raised His Son from the dead to vouchsafe our place in eternity with Him
- Jesus instructs us very specifically in Mark 12:28-31:
28 One of the teachers of the law came and heard them debating. Noticing that Jesus had given them a good answer, he asked him, “Of all the commandments, which is the most important?”
You may not realize that, in each case throughout these verses wherever the word “love” appears, the original New Testament Greek language text uses only one of the four Greek words for love: the word agape, or “God-breathed love.” We cannot manufacture the kind of love Jesus instructs us to extend to God and also to our neighbors. This love must come from God, through the power of the in-dwelling Holy Spirit. It is not a love that you can create by changing your behavior to emphasize Emotional Intelligence.
29 “The most important one,” answered Jesus, “is this: ‘Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one. 30 Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ 31 The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.”
Further, please notice in these verses that love for God must involve all four domains of human life: heart, soul, mind, and strength. Said another way: emotional domain, spiritual domain, intellectual domain, and physical domain. God wants to breathe His love into us and then have us return that God-breathed love to Him by means of all four of our human domains.
So, if you encounter someone who frequently accuses you or others of not respecting him or her: Beware! He or she just might be someone who has taken cues from EI and distorted its normally benign intent into a tool for manipulating others.
EI has helped many people learn how to sensitize themselves to the feelings of others. It has helped people get along with each other in a more collegial manner with less conflict and less unnecessary arguments. But, like many psychological tools, it can be misinterpreted, misapplied, misused, even abused. It can become something very different than its foundational proponents ever intended.
Life is far more than “feelings.” Feelings have an important role in shaping the healthy lives of people. But feelings cannot consistently dominate every human transaction without creating a dangerous imbalance. Good relationships with “self” and others require a balance of facts and feelings. That’s why the Gregorc Style Delineator™ discloses that God has given each person some measure of Concrete-Sequential, Concrete-Random, Abstract-Random, and Abstract-Sequential. Even those who the Instrument discloses as having a very high score in one dominant Mind Style™ still have some measure of the other three Mind Styles™ as a part of their true “self.”
God’s way for His children—those of us who belong to Him—is to approach everyone with kindness, gentleness, tenderness, and agape—God-breathed love. However, in your approach to others—as you reach out to them with the love of Christ—you must never sacrifice the other qualities God makes very clear in His Word that He expects from those who belong to Him: excellence, efficiency, effectiveness, competence, determination, diligence, faithfulness, and above all else, truthfulness.
Will you pray with me?
Thank You, God, for loving us. Thank You for sending Jesus to be our Savior. Thank You for sending us Your Holy Spirit to dwell within us.
Father, we ask you to guard us and protect us from people around us who want to mold us into becoming something that would not please You. Help us to remain as “wise as serpents and as harmless as doves.” Keep us from falling prey to systems of the world that distort Your truth and corrupt Your well-laid foundation for our obedience to You.
Thank You that we can rely on the truth of Your Word, the Bible, to give us the direction for our daily living. Help us to actively submit our wills to Your perfect will for us, so that the principles of Your Word will come alive within our hearts and minds.
And, thank You for hearing our prayer in and through the precious Name of Your Son, our Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ. Amen.
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