19 An offended brother is more unyielding than a fortified city, and disputes are like the barred gates of a citadel.—The words of the King Solomon from Proverbs 18:19
12 Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.
13 Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. 14 And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.15 Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. 16 Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God. 17 And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.
—The words of the Apostle Paul from Colossians 3:12-17
Somewhere in the United States, right now, a church stands poised for a split.
Division! Separation! Divorce!
Whatever word the parties involved may choose to use, it means that brothers and sisters in Christ—who, heretofore, have worshipped together and served the Kingdom of God standing side-by-side—have reached the point in a conflict where they have decided to part company. People in the church have chosen sides. Claims and counter-claims have circulated openly in some cases, or under a shroud of secrecy in others. Some people feel they have a complete understanding of the issues involved. Many others find themselves caught in the crossfire of competing factions. Everyone is hurting. Worship has become tainted by sorrow. Joy has left the building. Only one is happy. That’s because Satan delights when brothers and sisters attack each other and divide the church.
A skillful analysis of both sides of any church conflict often discloses a confused morass of miscommunication, misunderstanding, distrust, conflict of wills, outright lies, disingenuous behavior, and, occasionally, genuine disagreement. But, most of the time, conflicts within a church begin with the unrecognized and un-confessed sin of one individual that snowballs until it draws more and more people into a growing, tangled mass hurtling down the hill, stopping only when it hits some immoveable object and bursts apart.
You see, it may take many years to build an effective ministry in a church and only a few months to destroy the effectiveness of that ministry. So, what should you do if you find yourself caught in the middle of a church conflict? Maybe you serve on the church governing board. Or, perhaps you have a role of leadership because of your long history of faithful service. Or, you could be one who, standing a bit aside, watches the church you love disintegrate before your eyes. Whatever your particular status, please let me offer a few suggestions:
- Understand that virtually every church conflict begins with a single individual. You should make a concerted effort to determine the identity of that one person who began the conflict. Understanding who started the conflict will help you sort out the facts of the case.
Look for the one who initiated the bringing of the first charges against another brother or sister in Christ. Because, no matter what “bad” behavior someone may have exhibited toward another, Scripture requires the offended party to follow Jesus’ instruction in Matthew 18:15-17.
15 “If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. 16 But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ 17 If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector.
No one may bring open charges against another person until he or she has followed the first two steps of Matthew 18:15-17. Failure to follow this instruction of the Lord Jesus Christ completely invalidates any open charges.
So, if you’re in the audience hearing the charges, stop and ask whether the one bringing the charges has followed Matthew 18:15-17. If the one bringing the charges has not followed the first two steps, refuse to listen to the charges. Rather, instruct the one bringing the charges to follow Matthew 18:15-17 and take no further action until he or she follows those steps.
- Next, set aside all of your emotion before you pass any judgment on the seriousness and legitimacy of the charges. This may seem hard to do, but in order to resolve any conflict, you must put aside your emotion and deal only with the facts. It doesn’t matter whether you prefer one of the parties over the other. It doesn't matter if you think one party has positional authority over another. In the Kingdom of God, each person has equal standing before our Father. Don’t allow yourself to become swayed by emotional ties to one person or another. Only the facts matter.
Now, it is true that all decisions depend on the facts and our feelings about those facts. But, notice that it is our feelings about the facts, not our feelings about the situation, nor our feelings about the parties involved. Don’t confuse which kind of feelings may legitimately weigh in on your decision.
- Don’t make a decision based on what anyone tells you, no matter who he or she is, nor how trustworthy you may feel that one to be. Insist that the person bringing accusations present you with concrete, factual evidence of the charges. Anything apart from audio recording, video recording, actual first-hand documentation, or the testimony of two or three witnesses constitutes hearsay.
Keep in mind that in order to consider the statements of others, two or three actual, direct witnesses must come forward. And, you must examine each witness individually to verify the veracity of what he or she says.
Always search for the context. Make certain that neither side of a conflict has begun to bend the facts to fit their preconceived notions. Make certain that you place every statement in the full context of the actual event.
I cannot overemphasize that in all matters relating to the peace, unity, and purity of the body of Christ—the church—you must be scrupulously careful to take no action until you have done everything possible to ascertain all of the facts.
- You absolutely must directly and carefully interview the person, or persons, against whom the charges have been levied. Examine carefully his, her, or their recitation of the facts surrounding the accusations.
Set aside any preference you may have for either of the parties in the matter. This means you must not consider either the position in the church of the parties, nor their personalities, nor any other aspect of the parties that may tend to influence your decision. Remember, you must intentionally purpose to deal only with facts.
- Once you examine and verify every possible fact, take a few days—even a week or more—to weigh the matter before taking any action. Time brings greater clarity and perspective. Make certain you do not rush to judgment. Bathe the matter in earnest and fervent prayer. Study God’s Word for any insight the Scriptures may offer on the matter. Give full and careful consideration to how your decision will impact the entire body of believers.
Be very careful if either party has issued an ultimatum. Ultimatums ususally indicate a weakness in the facts surrounding the cause of action. Don’t allow yourself to become bullied into a decision because one of the parties has threatened some dire outcome.
When you think you have prayed enough about the matter, pray some more. Allow the Holy Spirit to speak to your inner being. Let His guidance direct your decision based on the facts, and only the facts.
Now these few steps may seem onerous to you. But, if you fail to follow them you will become part of the problem, not part of the solution. Virtually every church split could have been avoided if people had taken the time to follow these simple, straightforward steps.
When you take these steps you will often find that factors tend to emerge that will help you assure that the process proceeds with extreme fairness to everyone involved. For example, you may discover that some long-held grudge has motivated someone, or some group, to work behind the scenes to create a situation that will boil up into a conflict.
Many individuals have become quite expert at the tactic that noted psychiatrist, Dr. Eric Berne, called “Let’s you and him fight.” In other words, some people become adept at attacking another targeted individual by getting someone else to engage in a conflict with the intended target. Watch out for this. If you examine the facts carefully, you will often find this tactic at work in the church.
Also, watch out for long-term hurts and grudges that underlie attacks on others. Some people—especially arrogant, pompous, and insecure individuals—tend to hold grudges for years! Many times they will follow the old adage from the 1841 French novel Mathilde, “Revenge is a dish best served cold.” Such people will wait a long, long time and then try to bring down a person against whom they have a grudge, while all the while giving every appearance of harmonious behavior.
Ultimately, all conflict is a result of sin. Do your best not to become drawn into such sin. Follow the advice of the Apostle Paul in Galatians 6:1-2.
1 Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. 2 Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.
Take heed of the two Scripture passages at the beginning of this blog post. They offer sage advice and describe a spirit of gentleness, tenderness, and grace that must prevail whenever you deal with conflict.
In fact, keep an eye out for grace. Has the one who brought the charges exhibited God’s grace in the way he or she has handled the matter? An absence of grace can serve to indicate a lack of validity for the charges that one has brought against another. For even in accusing another of unrepentent sin, the accuser must bring the accusation tempered by grace.
Whatever you do, please keep in mind that Satan delights when brothers and sisters attack each other and divide the church. Let me state that again. Satan delights when brothers and sisters attack each other and divide the church.
Will you pray with me?
Thank You God for loving us. Thank You for sending Jesus to be our Savior. Thank You for giving us the Holy Spirit to remind us of the best pathway to follow, so we may remain obedient to Your perfect will for us. Help us to submit to one another in love. Help us to guard ourselves against conflicts in our church by following the instructions You have given us in Your Word. We pray in the Precious Name of Jesus our Lord. Amen.
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